It Has to Start Young

I can across an interesting piece today on About.com that focuses on parenting teens. This particular segment of the site, About.com:Teens, provides insightful information for those of us navigating the troubled waters of teen parenting. One specific entry offered clear steps for teaching teens how to respect adults. While I think this is valuable, I have to ask why these things were not made a priority long before a child reaches their teen years? Respect isn't something that you wait until a child is almost out of the house to teach or demonstrate - it should be a priority from birth.

Christianity Today offers some great teaching tools to use when children are younger, especially for those parents willing to put in the leg work to teach their children the proper way to act. What has the most impact in this piece is that it highlights that no matter what we teach, children will learn by our actions. I cannot remember the number of times my children would point out to me something that I was doing that contradicted with what I said. They are smarter than we think and they pick up on everything.

For moms especially, demonstrate respect from the time your children are young, and expect that others respect you as well. Do not allow your husband, boyfriend or anyone else to degrade you or you demonstrate to your children that you are not worthy of respect. This is so crucial as what you teach them as children will be how they behave as adults.

Misguided Methods for Demanding Respect

There is a fine line between respect born of honor and position and that derived from disciplinary actions. The former is more likely to last a lifetime, where the latter often turns to hate, resentment and torn relationships.

I recently came across a blog where the author, Geoff Oldfather, wrote about an incident in Florida where a 16 year old girl punched her father in the face when he attempted to spank her. If ever someone wanted a controversial issue over which to argue, this is definitely one of them.

To make matters even more complicated, the teen has been charged with misdemeanor domestic battery. The incident reportedly happened as a result of a fight between father and daughter over something being broken.

Now, to make things clear, I am not opposed to spanking a child. I learned much in my younger years from this form of discipline and used it on my own children when they were too young to understand larger consequences.

Where my view of this issue changes is when we examine the age of the girl. At 16 years old, she is much too old to be spanked as a form of punishment. What fathers may fail to understand is that a young woman of that age does not view spanking as punishment, but rather humiliation and abuse. It does not generate or build on respect, but instead resentment and disdain.

Legal authorities in this situation need to re-examine their approach with this young girl and with the father that is parenting her. If spanking is the only form of parenting he understands, he needs help. The situation will not improve without it.

Long Hair Boys: Is it Really Worth the Debate?

There has been an interesting phenomenon in our culture surrounding the debate between those who believe that boys should be able to have long hair and those that do not. What is most interesting is that this debate has been going on for generations, often with the same discussions taking place.

With our teenage son, we have had this same debate. Like his mother, his hair is very thick and has nice body to it. What this means for his locks is that it can get rather unruly. His father, being very traditional, believes that the long hair is unnecessary and should be cut – often forgetting the length of his own hair when we first met.

In this particular issue, it is easy for us as parents to worry what other people will think of us or our parenting when we allow our son to wear his hair in this way. What we really should be concerned with is whether or not other people are viewing our son as the great kid he is, or immediately passing judgment based on the way he wears his hair.

The length of hair on boys has been a significant topic in Texas this past year. Several news sites and blogs have touched on the issue. One news site discussed the obstacles four boys were facing at school. It seems the length of their hair was in question as a violation of the school’s dress code. Another site offered support from parents who believed these boys should be able to wear their hair any way they desired.

Probably the biggest challenge here is determining what the battle really is. Are we battling with our kids to get them to look and dress they way we want? Are we trying to get our kids to conform to social norms with no real basis? Or, are we trying to protect them from the judgments of others?

As a teen, our son is navigating the unstable waters of adolescence and in his attempt to find his place in this world, he is exploring different aspects of who he wants to be. Right now, he wants to be a teenager who wears his hair long and out of control while he plays in a band with his friends. While it might mean that he may lose respect from others who will quickly judge him on his looks, it could also mean that he respects himself for staying true to who he believes he is.

Should Respect be Given to Teens?

How often do we assume that respect and teenagers are never synonymous? I’m sure many of us can name more than one occasion when we came across a teenager that we assumed was from another planet, given their behavior. If you look around at their peers, chances are that their behavior is more common that we care to believe.

I came across a Telepictures Blog where visitors were encouraged to share their thoughts about what I assume was a program concerning parents and respect. What was alarming was not the topic of the show itself, but rather the numerous parents who wrote into this site to ask why their teenagers were treating them so poorly or what they should be doing differently.

At this stage of development for teens, they are doing everything they can to determine where exactly they fit in this very big world. If we as parents have failed to act as their guide along the way, they will reach this time in their lives confused, angry and lashing out at – guess who?

One interesting perspective was found on the Trouble With website. This site is part of the Focus on the Family organization and it features an advice-type page. This particular question focused on parents respecting teens, yet struggling with the teen not respecting the parents.

There is a valid point when a teen claims that they are not being respected. The challenge is how to identify when a teen truly deserves respect when you are frustrated with their attitude towards you. Too often, we get so wrapped up in trying to fix the attitude, we cannot see the person inside crying out for space and identity.

This is an area we will continue to explore as it is not a completely cut and dry issue, but instead one to share our experiences, failures and successes in order to make an impact.