It Has to Start Young

I can across an interesting piece today on About.com that focuses on parenting teens. This particular segment of the site, About.com:Teens, provides insightful information for those of us navigating the troubled waters of teen parenting. One specific entry offered clear steps for teaching teens how to respect adults. While I think this is valuable, I have to ask why these things were not made a priority long before a child reaches their teen years? Respect isn't something that you wait until a child is almost out of the house to teach or demonstrate - it should be a priority from birth.

Christianity Today offers some great teaching tools to use when children are younger, especially for those parents willing to put in the leg work to teach their children the proper way to act. What has the most impact in this piece is that it highlights that no matter what we teach, children will learn by our actions. I cannot remember the number of times my children would point out to me something that I was doing that contradicted with what I said. They are smarter than we think and they pick up on everything.

For moms especially, demonstrate respect from the time your children are young, and expect that others respect you as well. Do not allow your husband, boyfriend or anyone else to degrade you or you demonstrate to your children that you are not worthy of respect. This is so crucial as what you teach them as children will be how they behave as adults.

Respect Must Start at Home

The idea of respect is an interesting one as it is something that we will often try and demand without ever considering our role in a situation. Yes, I expect my children to respect me, but what role do I play in the parent/child relationship that dictates that this respect will be demonstrated?

I came across an interesting piece on the Family Education website entitled, “Respect Your Children and Yourself.” While I don’t necessarily agree with every word of this article, I do appreciate the approach that it takes in arguing that children will learn from example. If we do not respect ourselves, can we expect our children to respect us?

No matter what the situation, I would never support a child disrespecting his or her mother. Yet it happens time and again. Unfortunately, the mother often allows it to happen, even when she deserves so much better. What always appears to be consistent in these situations is that the woman does not respect herself enough to demand it from her children.

While you may wonder how I could so easily determine whether or not a woman respects herself, it really does not take any special training to observe this phenomenon. Look at any female at work, school, the grocery store, etc. Does she walk with her head up or down? Does she carry herself with purpose or is she just moving through the motions? How is she interacting with others, if she is interacting at all?

Believe it or not, the things that we don’t say communicate so much more about us than we ever care to realize. And until we respect ourselves enough to show the world with our actions, we will struggle to get it from those who live in our own homes.

Moms Who Drop the Ball

Attending one of my son’s baseball games years ago brought up an area that gets my blood boiling: moms who fail to demand respect from their kids.

In this particular situation, the mom couldn’t get her five-year old son to obey her, so she brought her husband over to do it. The husband – who was also the father – repeated what the mom had asked of the child, yet failed to enforce it. The result was the young boy continued to do what mom had asked him not to in the first place, completely ignoring the instruction from both parents.

Sure, there are a lot of things that should have been done differently in this situation. And, it doesn’t take a professional in the field to recognize that if mom and dad were consistent at home, the act of not listening would not be tolerated in public, either. But, the main issue in this isolated incident was that mom failed to demand and get respect from her son.

I don’t subscribe to the belief that parents must first earn the respect of their children. When we bring babies into this world, we must teach them to respect us from day one. For moms in particular, if that respect is not taught and then expected out of their children, those same children will grow to lack respect for all adults.

My dad gave me some of the best advice I ever received when my son was just shy of his third birthday. We were eating out and my son did not want to listen to me, choosing instead to disobey while I was telling him to sit down in his chair at the table. Tired of fighting his against his strong will, I used the “When your daddy gets here” threat to try and get him to behave.

My dad, who was watching the interaction from across the table, chose that moment to speak. He looked right at me and told me that it was my job to teach my son to obey me whether his dad was around or not. He pointed out that one day my son would be bigger than me and if I did not teach and then expect respect while he was little, whether daddy was around or not, I would have a problem on my hands when he was older.

This was not a situation where grandpa was irritated with the grandson – my dad thought my son was the best thing since the remote control. Instead, this was my dad offering me a piece of wisdom he could see I needed. I took his advice and implemented it into my interactions with my son as he grew. It hasn’t been an easy road and I have stumbled many times along the way, but I have a son who shows his mom respect – even if there are a few eye rolls thrown in along the way.

As mothers of sons, it is imperative that we teach our boys how to respect us. It is important not just because we must help them grow to be respectful young men, but also because they will one day be in a position of interacting with a young woman where respect is paramount. Without that strong foundation, we are setting our sons up for failure.