Passing the Buck Won't Cut It

It should be well understood that parents play a significant role in the way their children behave. This is not to say that poor parenting is the cause when a child throws a tantrum in public, although I did believe this until I had my daughter and recognized that some children will act out their emotions no matter what the parent does to prevent it. Instead, it is how the parent reacts to the situation that leads to improvement and growth.

This is not to say that I have perfected this. Instead, I am grateful that we survived the temper tantrum years without too many disruptions of the public peace. I did learn some valuable lessons in the process, the most prominent was that while I couldn't control my daughter's behavior, I could anticipate it if I paid attention. For instance, if she was overly tired, we were sure to have an episode.

In our busy lives today, it is difficult to slow down enough to pick up on the cues that our children give us, but they are there. Instead, we often find ourselves relying on others to pick up our slack and then wonder where things went wrong.

I found an excellent piece written by Dom Giordano and posted in the Parent Society blog. While the piece was titled, "Battling Bratty Behavior", the idea of parents passing the buck can be applied anywhere a child displays less than a desirable disposition. What I like about this piece is that it puts responsibility back on the parents for their role in parenting their children.

Sure, we can blame television, movies, books, teachers, other children, etc. for the way our children behave. And, yes, they will pick up on some very exasperating attitudes and habits if left unchecked. The reality is that parents MUST understand that it is their job to provide guidance to their kids so they know how to handle these things. Children are not adults and they cannot navigate this complex world on their own.

Click here to check out what Giordano has to say about respect. I know you will find it worth our time.

Should Respect be Given to Teens?

How often do we assume that respect and teenagers are never synonymous? I’m sure many of us can name more than one occasion when we came across a teenager that we assumed was from another planet, given their behavior. If you look around at their peers, chances are that their behavior is more common that we care to believe.

I came across a Telepictures Blog where visitors were encouraged to share their thoughts about what I assume was a program concerning parents and respect. What was alarming was not the topic of the show itself, but rather the numerous parents who wrote into this site to ask why their teenagers were treating them so poorly or what they should be doing differently.

At this stage of development for teens, they are doing everything they can to determine where exactly they fit in this very big world. If we as parents have failed to act as their guide along the way, they will reach this time in their lives confused, angry and lashing out at – guess who?

One interesting perspective was found on the Trouble With website. This site is part of the Focus on the Family organization and it features an advice-type page. This particular question focused on parents respecting teens, yet struggling with the teen not respecting the parents.

There is a valid point when a teen claims that they are not being respected. The challenge is how to identify when a teen truly deserves respect when you are frustrated with their attitude towards you. Too often, we get so wrapped up in trying to fix the attitude, we cannot see the person inside crying out for space and identity.

This is an area we will continue to explore as it is not a completely cut and dry issue, but instead one to share our experiences, failures and successes in order to make an impact.

3 Steps to Setting Boundaries

The idea of boundaries has garnered much attention in the media as of late due to the opportunity to drive revenue in the self-help section of the bookstore. We all want to learn how to improve our lives and one area of recommendation is to set boundaries.

Now, I will be the first to admit that after participating in a boundaries class, I was able to improve many of my relationships just because I was provided with the tools to establish where I should allow people in and where I should put up walls or “boundaries.”

More importantly than what I can gain from such ideas is the establishment of boundaries within our home so that our children understand what is accepted and what is not. To do so, there are three simple steps to follow:

1. Establish Rules
2. Determine Consequences for Breaking the Rules
3. Be Consistent in Enforcing Those Rules

If it really is so simple to establish boundaries for kids, why do we so often fail? The most obvious answer is consistency – it is the hardest thing to be as a parent. Unfortunately, being inconsistent as a parent also has the greatest consequences as children will not understand or adhere to your boundaries if they are confused as to what they are or what will happen if they break the rules.

“The Importance of Setting Boundaries,” a piece written by Lorelei McCollough on FamilyMatters.tv highlights the importance of setting boundaries. McCollough clearly defines the benefits delivered to both children and parents when boundaries are set, as well as the real impact on a child when a parent fails to set boundaries – for whatever reason.

About.com also features an article Derek and Gail Randel entitled, “Boundaries: Why are They Needed?” This well-thought piece examines reasons why boundaries are necessary and how parents can go about establishing boundaries to help their children to grow into respectful adults.

Not all boundaries will be the same for every child as rules and values can vary by family. What is important is that the adults in the household establish those boundaries according to their beliefs and value system and adhere to them firmly. By remembering and implementing these three simple steps, you will be on your way to creating a more positive environment for you and your child.

How Respect Impacts Our Kids in School

Having filled in as a substitute teacher for many years within my children’s elementary school, I have watched many of the children in our community grow from cute kindergartners with untied shoelaces to awkward pre-teens entering junior high school.

What probably amazes me the most is that so many of these kids have somewhere learned that respect is not a necessary aspect of their life and therefore, they do not need to show it to anyone, including themselves.

We live today in a world of political correctness. We insist that we use certain terms to ensure that we do not offend anyone, but we fail to teach our kids to show respect to their teachers. How does this happen? By example. The minute we show a lack of respect for that teacher in the presence of our child, we have given them the green light to do the same.

Perhaps it would be more fitting to replace “lack of respect” with “bullying”. In schools, teachers and administrators are cracking down on those kids who are labeled as bullies. The use of this word gets the attention of parents when their child is in the line of fire.

In a recent issue of Climate of Respect, a poignant story of outright bullying is displayed. In this clear language it is easy to see that bullying was taking place with one student as the target. But, the bigger issue is that there was a climate of disrespect where this behavior was being tolerated because the adults in the situation were unaware.

There appears to be several organizations focused on a mission of empowering schools to bring respect back to the classroom. Youth Frontiers is one such organization with a firm mission to bring respect for others, teachers and self back to schools in America. While this is a quality program with a clear focus, one question is looming – why is it necessary?

Why have parents left it up to the schools to teach children how to behave and properly interact with each other? Parenting is hard, yes, but why make it harder by failing to set rules and boundaries for children?

As we continue to move along in our focus on bringing back respect, we will aim to provide you with the tools necessary to examine your methods at home and create an environment where respect is a priority.

Who is the parent?

I will be the first to tell you that I often pull my hair out in response to the behavior of my children. Try as I might to instill positive values born of a solid Midwestern upbringing, I will still experience the same fits, backtalk and frustration that most parents deal with in the attempt to raise children to be productive and respectful members of society.

Perhaps one of my biggest challenges in this endeavor is dealing with the influences of other people's children. These children are not inherently bad, they just have different boundaries than my children do, or no boundaries at all. Unfortunately, many of the children that influence my children are treated as adults, afforded the same privileges and luxuries than many of us did not experience until we had reached adulthood and could earn them ourselves.

While this is frustrating, we do have to learn to get along with others, right? So, how do you strike a balance between setting your own boundaries in your home and allowing your children to interact with others whose boundaries may not be the same? In reality? One day at a time.

I won't take the position that I know everything when it comes to parenting. In fact, I have made a lot of mistakes and I'm not done raising kids, yet. But, I do see a lot of things going on around us where parents are forgetting that they are the parent and the child is, in fact, a child. It is imperative that we as parents do not befriend our children, but instead teach them how to survive and prosper in a world that does not revolve around them.

Check back soon and we will start to examine some of these common phenomenons and possible methods for bringing respect back to the parent-child relationship.