It Has to Start Young

I can across an interesting piece today on About.com that focuses on parenting teens. This particular segment of the site, About.com:Teens, provides insightful information for those of us navigating the troubled waters of teen parenting. One specific entry offered clear steps for teaching teens how to respect adults. While I think this is valuable, I have to ask why these things were not made a priority long before a child reaches their teen years? Respect isn't something that you wait until a child is almost out of the house to teach or demonstrate - it should be a priority from birth.

Christianity Today offers some great teaching tools to use when children are younger, especially for those parents willing to put in the leg work to teach their children the proper way to act. What has the most impact in this piece is that it highlights that no matter what we teach, children will learn by our actions. I cannot remember the number of times my children would point out to me something that I was doing that contradicted with what I said. They are smarter than we think and they pick up on everything.

For moms especially, demonstrate respect from the time your children are young, and expect that others respect you as well. Do not allow your husband, boyfriend or anyone else to degrade you or you demonstrate to your children that you are not worthy of respect. This is so crucial as what you teach them as children will be how they behave as adults.

Misguided Methods for Demanding Respect

There is a fine line between respect born of honor and position and that derived from disciplinary actions. The former is more likely to last a lifetime, where the latter often turns to hate, resentment and torn relationships.

I recently came across a blog where the author, Geoff Oldfather, wrote about an incident in Florida where a 16 year old girl punched her father in the face when he attempted to spank her. If ever someone wanted a controversial issue over which to argue, this is definitely one of them.

To make matters even more complicated, the teen has been charged with misdemeanor domestic battery. The incident reportedly happened as a result of a fight between father and daughter over something being broken.

Now, to make things clear, I am not opposed to spanking a child. I learned much in my younger years from this form of discipline and used it on my own children when they were too young to understand larger consequences.

Where my view of this issue changes is when we examine the age of the girl. At 16 years old, she is much too old to be spanked as a form of punishment. What fathers may fail to understand is that a young woman of that age does not view spanking as punishment, but rather humiliation and abuse. It does not generate or build on respect, but instead resentment and disdain.

Legal authorities in this situation need to re-examine their approach with this young girl and with the father that is parenting her. If spanking is the only form of parenting he understands, he needs help. The situation will not improve without it.

How Respect Impacts Our Kids in School

Having filled in as a substitute teacher for many years within my children’s elementary school, I have watched many of the children in our community grow from cute kindergartners with untied shoelaces to awkward pre-teens entering junior high school.

What probably amazes me the most is that so many of these kids have somewhere learned that respect is not a necessary aspect of their life and therefore, they do not need to show it to anyone, including themselves.

We live today in a world of political correctness. We insist that we use certain terms to ensure that we do not offend anyone, but we fail to teach our kids to show respect to their teachers. How does this happen? By example. The minute we show a lack of respect for that teacher in the presence of our child, we have given them the green light to do the same.

Perhaps it would be more fitting to replace “lack of respect” with “bullying”. In schools, teachers and administrators are cracking down on those kids who are labeled as bullies. The use of this word gets the attention of parents when their child is in the line of fire.

In a recent issue of Climate of Respect, a poignant story of outright bullying is displayed. In this clear language it is easy to see that bullying was taking place with one student as the target. But, the bigger issue is that there was a climate of disrespect where this behavior was being tolerated because the adults in the situation were unaware.

There appears to be several organizations focused on a mission of empowering schools to bring respect back to the classroom. Youth Frontiers is one such organization with a firm mission to bring respect for others, teachers and self back to schools in America. While this is a quality program with a clear focus, one question is looming – why is it necessary?

Why have parents left it up to the schools to teach children how to behave and properly interact with each other? Parenting is hard, yes, but why make it harder by failing to set rules and boundaries for children?

As we continue to move along in our focus on bringing back respect, we will aim to provide you with the tools necessary to examine your methods at home and create an environment where respect is a priority.

Who is the parent?

I will be the first to tell you that I often pull my hair out in response to the behavior of my children. Try as I might to instill positive values born of a solid Midwestern upbringing, I will still experience the same fits, backtalk and frustration that most parents deal with in the attempt to raise children to be productive and respectful members of society.

Perhaps one of my biggest challenges in this endeavor is dealing with the influences of other people's children. These children are not inherently bad, they just have different boundaries than my children do, or no boundaries at all. Unfortunately, many of the children that influence my children are treated as adults, afforded the same privileges and luxuries than many of us did not experience until we had reached adulthood and could earn them ourselves.

While this is frustrating, we do have to learn to get along with others, right? So, how do you strike a balance between setting your own boundaries in your home and allowing your children to interact with others whose boundaries may not be the same? In reality? One day at a time.

I won't take the position that I know everything when it comes to parenting. In fact, I have made a lot of mistakes and I'm not done raising kids, yet. But, I do see a lot of things going on around us where parents are forgetting that they are the parent and the child is, in fact, a child. It is imperative that we as parents do not befriend our children, but instead teach them how to survive and prosper in a world that does not revolve around them.

Check back soon and we will start to examine some of these common phenomenons and possible methods for bringing respect back to the parent-child relationship.