Wednesday, December 24, 2008

It Has to Start Young

I can across an interesting piece today on About.com that focuses on parenting teens. This particular segment of the site, About.com:Teens, provides insightful information for those of us navigating the troubled waters of teen parenting. One specific entry offered clear steps for teaching teens how to respect adults. While I think this is valuable, I have to ask why these things were not made a priority long before a child reaches their teen years? Respect isn't something that you wait until a child is almost out of the house to teach or demonstrate - it should be a priority from birth.

Christianity Today offers some great teaching tools to use when children are younger, especially for those parents willing to put in the leg work to teach their children the proper way to act. What has the most impact in this piece is that it highlights that no matter what we teach, children will learn by our actions. I cannot remember the number of times my children would point out to me something that I was doing that contradicted with what I said. They are smarter than we think and they pick up on everything.

For moms especially, demonstrate respect from the time your children are young, and expect that others respect you as well. Do not allow your husband, boyfriend or anyone else to degrade you or you demonstrate to your children that you are not worthy of respect. This is so crucial as what you teach them as children will be how they behave as adults.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Passing the Buck Won't Cut It


It should be well understood that parents play a significant role in the way their children behave. This is not to say that poor parenting is the cause when a child throws a tantrum in public, although I did believe this until I had my daughter and recognized that some children will act out their emotions no matter what the parent does to prevent it. Instead, it is how the parent reacts to the situation that leads to improvement and growth.

This is not to say that I have perfected this. Instead, I am grateful that we survived the temper tantrum years without too many disruptions of the public peace. I did learn some valuable lessons in the process, the most prominent was that while I couldn't control my daughter's behavior, I could anticipate it if I paid attention. For instance, if she was overly tired, we were sure to have an episode.

In our busy lives today, it is difficult to slow down enough to pick up on the cues that our children give us, but they are there. Instead, we often find ourselves relying on others to pick up our slack and then wonder where things went wrong.

I found an excellent piece written by Dom Giordano and posted in the Parent Society blog. While the piece was titled, "Battling Bratty Behavior", the idea of parents passing the buck can be applied anywhere a child displays less than a desirable disposition. What I like about this piece is that it puts responsibility back on the parents for their role in parenting their children.

Sure, we can blame television, movies, books, teachers, other children, etc. for the way our children behave. And, yes, they will pick up on some very exasperating attitudes and habits if left unchecked. The reality is that parents MUST understand that it is their job to provide guidance to their kids so they know how to handle these things. Children are not adults and they cannot navigate this complex world on their own.

Click here to check out what Giordano has to say about respect. I know you will find it worth our time.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Rough Housing to Gain Respect?


Rough housing is an interesting topic of conversation among parents. For some, it is inappropriate to behave in such a way and this type of interaction between parent and child never occurs. For others, it is a great method of bonding between the parent and the child and therefore is an important part of family time.

According to a piece posted on Husbands and Dads, it can be used as a fun way for dads and kids to connect. It can even be healthy, as demonstrated by this excerpt:

"The article that best captured my sentiments was called Roughhousing from Parent Super Site. The author Dr. Ken R. Canfield of the National Center for Fathering said:

'Through this kind of play, your kids learn some of the first lessons about loving authority. According to Jim and Charles Fay, roughhousing teaches your kids that you love them, that you’re strong enough to control them, and that you won’t control them unless it’s necessary. Your kids learn that you’re powerful and kind and gentle at the same time.'"

As twisted as it may sound, putting your child in a mock choke-hold does show dominance and is likely to earn respect. The only problem is that this move takes a different turn as the child gets older and more sophisticated methods – that don’t require physical force or even contact – must be used.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Teachers Rate an F in Communication

When was the last time you spent more than just a few minutes within the walls of your son or daughter’s school? Sure, holiday parties are coming up and many of us enter this unfamiliar territory to entertain the kids for an hour before we escape back into our safe non-school worlds. While we may love being there for our children, images of our own school days often come flashing back and we run for the parking lot as soon as possible.

But, if we swallow that uncertainty to take a step outside of our comfort zones and actually spend some time at school, what do you think you would find? Depending on where the school is located, you may find metal detectors, or police officers, or maybe you see boots and hats on kids in more rural areas. The location is not nearly as important as the level of education that is provided in the school. That education is delivered by those who sometimes can and other times cannot communicate effectively.

Having spent many hours in our local elementary school either volunteering or substitute teaching, I have noticed a common theme among certain teachers. There is a common belief that yelling at a child in front of others delivers the sought after result – obedience. What the teacher often fails to see is the look of hurt and humiliation on the face of the child as they walk away.

So, my question is – why is it necessary to humiliate a child in order to derive obedience in a school setting? We abhor bullies and we have strict policies against leaving children out of parties and the like, but when it comes to teachers we are simply to look the other way?

In the substitute teaching role, I have never experienced a time when it was necessary to yell or scream at a child in front of other children in order to get them to do or stop doing something. Have certain teachers never been taught how to use discretion when addressing an issue with a student? Or, does it not matter? Let me know your thoughts!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Misguided Methods for Demanding Respect

There is a fine line between respect born of honor and position and that derived from disciplinary actions. The former is more likely to last a lifetime, where the latter often turns to hate, resentment and torn relationships.

I recently came across a blog where the author, Geoff Oldfather, wrote about an incident in Florida where a 16 year old girl punched her father in the face when he attempted to spank her. If ever someone wanted a controversial issue over which to argue, this is definitely one of them.

To make matters even more complicated, the teen has been charged with misdemeanor domestic battery. The incident reportedly happened as a result of a fight between father and daughter over something being broken.

Now, to make things clear, I am not opposed to spanking a child. I learned much in my younger years from this form of discipline and used it on my own children when they were too young to understand larger consequences.

Where my view of this issue changes is when we examine the age of the girl. At 16 years old, she is much too old to be spanked as a form of punishment. What fathers may fail to understand is that a young woman of that age does not view spanking as punishment, but rather humiliation and abuse. It does not generate or build on respect, but instead resentment and disdain.

Legal authorities in this situation need to re-examine their approach with this young girl and with the father that is parenting her. If spanking is the only form of parenting he understands, he needs help. The situation will not improve without it.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Long Hair Boys: Is it Really Worth the Debate?

There has been an interesting phenomenon in our culture surrounding the debate between those who believe that boys should be able to have long hair and those that do not. What is most interesting is that this debate has been going on for generations, often with the same discussions taking place.

With our teenage son, we have had this same debate. Like his mother, his hair is very thick and has nice body to it. What this means for his locks is that it can get rather unruly. His father, being very traditional, believes that the long hair is unnecessary and should be cut – often forgetting the length of his own hair when we first met.

In this particular issue, it is easy for us as parents to worry what other people will think of us or our parenting when we allow our son to wear his hair in this way. What we really should be concerned with is whether or not other people are viewing our son as the great kid he is, or immediately passing judgment based on the way he wears his hair.

The length of hair on boys has been a significant topic in Texas this past year. Several news sites and blogs have touched on the issue. One news site discussed the obstacles four boys were facing at school. It seems the length of their hair was in question as a violation of the school’s dress code. Another site offered support from parents who believed these boys should be able to wear their hair any way they desired.

Probably the biggest challenge here is determining what the battle really is. Are we battling with our kids to get them to look and dress they way we want? Are we trying to get our kids to conform to social norms with no real basis? Or, are we trying to protect them from the judgments of others?

As a teen, our son is navigating the unstable waters of adolescence and in his attempt to find his place in this world, he is exploring different aspects of who he wants to be. Right now, he wants to be a teenager who wears his hair long and out of control while he plays in a band with his friends. While it might mean that he may lose respect from others who will quickly judge him on his looks, it could also mean that he respects himself for staying true to who he believes he is.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Should Respect be Given to Teens?

How often do we assume that respect and teenagers are never synonymous? I’m sure many of us can name more than one occasion when we came across a teenager that we assumed was from another planet, given their behavior. If you look around at their peers, chances are that their behavior is more common that we care to believe.

I came across a Telepictures Blog where visitors were encouraged to share their thoughts about what I assume was a program concerning parents and respect. What was alarming was not the topic of the show itself, but rather the numerous parents who wrote into this site to ask why their teenagers were treating them so poorly or what they should be doing differently.

At this stage of development for teens, they are doing everything they can to determine where exactly they fit in this very big world. If we as parents have failed to act as their guide along the way, they will reach this time in their lives confused, angry and lashing out at – guess who?

One interesting perspective was found on the Trouble With website. This site is part of the Focus on the Family organization and it features an advice-type page. This particular question focused on parents respecting teens, yet struggling with the teen not respecting the parents.

There is a valid point when a teen claims that they are not being respected. The challenge is how to identify when a teen truly deserves respect when you are frustrated with their attitude towards you. Too often, we get so wrapped up in trying to fix the attitude, we cannot see the person inside crying out for space and identity.

This is an area we will continue to explore as it is not a completely cut and dry issue, but instead one to share our experiences, failures and successes in order to make an impact.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Respect versus Fear

When you look around at society today, do you ever wonder why respect has disappeared? I have a theory. I believe that for years, people believed that respect was synonymous with fear. As laws emerged protecting kids and individuals from aggression from those bigger than themselves, fear relinquished and respect along with it.

An entry on the EQI website explored the origins of respect. Throughout the animal kingdom there is a distinct difference between fear and respect. This piece highlights how respect can mean the difference between life and death. In very early generations, where there was not enough food or shelter for everyone in a village or community, those without respect were the first to die.

In saying this, in no way am I suggesting that we go back to this way of life. Instead, it is important to understand the origins of respect and the impact that this makes on society. However, the point is very much the same – throughout the world where respect is lacking, people do die. Fortunately, this is not necessarily a way of life in the U.S., but it is how people can get hurt.

A lack of respect in our community is not just obvious in our kids. It is obvious in the way we treat each other on the roads, in a busy store or even in print. To bring this respect back to our community and implement it into our interactions, it is not fear that is needed, but honor instead.

Check back as we continue to examine fear versus respect.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Respect - Consistency is the Key

One of the biggest challenges in building respect within the home is to be consistent. While my husband and I do make respect a priority in the way we raise our kids, it can be very easy to slip into other patterns when life gets busy and we feel tired and stressed. Most often, when we observe parents dropping the ball, it is most likely due to these reasons.

While finding enough time for sleep and learning to relieve stress are topics for another day, it is possible to continue on the path for respect even when life seems to be ganging up on you. And, chances are, if you implement some of these basic things, stress may lighten in the process.

One article that I came across on Teach-nology.com, “Respect – How to Teach it and How to Show It,” provides very basic tips on molding respectful kids. In fact, many of these things have been touted by parenting magazines for years, but rarely in association with respect.

This lack of association seems to have permeated throughout our current generations and as a result, we have lost sight of some of the core values that help to build strong character.

A Whole Family article explores this phenomenon and how certain attributes of different generations have led to a change in the way we raise our kids. This piece, “Teaching Children Respect in the Age of Equality,” highlights that teaching children respect is not in effort to build our ego, but rather to help mold individuals with character qualities that will sustain them throughout their lives.

Building this character through respect is not an easy task, but it is a possible one. Check back with us as we continue to explore methods for empowering and supporting each other in this important task.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Respect Must Start at Home

The idea of respect is an interesting one as it is something that we will often try and demand without ever considering our role in a situation. Yes, I expect my children to respect me, but what role do I play in the parent/child relationship that dictates that this respect will be demonstrated?

I came across an interesting piece on the Family Education website entitled, “Respect Your Children and Yourself.” While I don’t necessarily agree with every word of this article, I do appreciate the approach that it takes in arguing that children will learn from example. If we do not respect ourselves, can we expect our children to respect us?

No matter what the situation, I would never support a child disrespecting his or her mother. Yet it happens time and again. Unfortunately, the mother often allows it to happen, even when she deserves so much better. What always appears to be consistent in these situations is that the woman does not respect herself enough to demand it from her children.

While you may wonder how I could so easily determine whether or not a woman respects herself, it really does not take any special training to observe this phenomenon. Look at any female at work, school, the grocery store, etc. Does she walk with her head up or down? Does she carry herself with purpose or is she just moving through the motions? How is she interacting with others, if she is interacting at all?

Believe it or not, the things that we don’t say communicate so much more about us than we ever care to realize. And until we respect ourselves enough to show the world with our actions, we will struggle to get it from those who live in our own homes.